Under My Skin

I wrote this poem and published it to MySpace on March 2, 2008 (Yes I momentarily went out sequence, sue me bitches!)  Looking at the words and thinking back to what was going on in my life at that time I am sure I wrote this about Nate.

Can you feel my pricks on your skin

Purging your truths and staring deep within

Embracing your demons that dwell

And feeling your heart's song swell

Pleading misers beg you to stay behind

Clutching your coat under the grey sky

Digging deep in the scars you hide

Chewing on your dreams at night

I will not leave you alone

My spirit soars in your mist

And I have walked alone to make you feel

Dug deep within your skin to make you real

It tastes too sweet I can't believe

In too deep I don't want to leave

No one has ever seen this side of me

I walk in your rose garden to see you

Within You

Written and published on March 22, 2008, "Within You" is more like a song.  I had a random melody and beat in my head when I wrote the words

Digging deep within you

Feeling you on in the inside

Feels like tonight too

You give yourself to me

Who would have guessed it

Everything you owned

Laying on my doorstep

Laid bare for me to see

Unfettered and unclean I see

Everything you don’t want me to see

You try to cover it up your heart

Afraid I’ll tear it apart

But I really want to paint it red

And kiss you just the way I did

Standing on the ledge of oblivion

I’m on my knees trying to let you in

I’m scared I won’t belong to what you hold

So dear so near and so clear what you want

Unfettered and unclean I see

Everything you don’t want me to see

You try to cover it up with your heart

Afraid I’ll tear it apart

But I really want to paint it red

And kiss you just the way I did

You will certainly see

What few have seen

And if that terrifes you I’m sorry

But I won’t back down from what feel

It’ll be alright I swear what I feel

Is real I’ll cross the line from the unreal

Unfettered and unclean I see

Everything you don’t want me to see

You try to cover it up your heart

Afraid I’ll tear it apart

But I really just want to paint it red

And kiss you just the way I did

Kiss you just way I did

Your soul is beautiful….

Upheavaled Doghouse

March 21, 2008

Things have settled into the mist

Wide open in the abstract lives of us all

Unknown, unbroken and unsolved

A riddle, a puzzle, your heart

Trust fractured and the fault is mine

I work to regain I miss the crook

Of your arm and the warm of your skin

Drinking in deep your moments of sin

This was one of the first poems I wrote about my first major fight with Nate.

Random shitty poetry

January 28, 2007

Washed away by the tides of time

Black on black without reason or rhyme

Onto the blank canvas we faded

No imprints no color nothing dated

Echoes of laughter in my mind remain

Dark visions of love's twisted cruel stain

Absence of Grace

December 12, 2007

Why has the sky turned black?

Will there ever be any turning back

From this confusion and consternation

Gripping me holding me choking me

The grey sky taunts me from afar

With its little sunny vacation brochures

Now I'm falling down and here you stand

Watching me from the pedestal I admire

Yet bitterly detest you upon, in envy I bathe

Once it was here, all together all bright

Then I kissed the darkness it all waived goodnight

So I wave to myself from my perch upon the lofy

State of Affairs

December 3, 2007

It's business as usual in the land of the free

A glossy, sugar-coated blinder's disease

A dark, dangerous path we walk down

Where nobody knows how to turn around

The mirror's cracked and the light unreflecting

Of the foreboding darkness that's been coming

Under the iron fist beneath the cracks

Beating the unthinking blue and black

Fires paint the skyline crimson with rage

Hate bubbles over like blood on the page

Insidious poisons squash and kill our dreams

The storm clouds gather on the horizon green

These Dreams

November 27, 2007
21:14


And so it goes on and on
Through the night in stabs
I fly on through past you
Beyond your mouth and lips
No kiss for me

And So There's Been This Crush ...

This poem I wrote about Trevor, who I had been dating for a few days at this point.  I had a major crush on him from the word 'go.'  

Eyes so blue naked and true
Emeralds I turned around to look at you
Seemingly aroused by the spark
I leaned in to kiss you in the dark
And pulsating lights your lips tasted sweet
On this night we weren't supposed to meet
But we did and here we are
And it never really went this far
But I can wish and I can dream
I know how silly this all may seem
But just because I never expressed
Feelings for you I left undressed
Doesn't mean they aren't there
Sometimes they pop up everywhere
Even in silly little poems that seem
To go on endlessly without need

Disappear

This one was dedicated to Life.  HAHA the first one in a long time I did not write for Noah or my feelings for him.  I wrote this because I was feeling a bit beat up by life that week.  It was written and published on October 29, 2007 at 16:28.

Would you even notice if I disappeared tonight

Packed my bags and hopped the next flight

Lucid silence has taken me over

And I don't want to be here getting older

In this room I'm fading without you here

No more never ever will your arms hold me near

City lights dancing outside my window

I can get lost in them would you even know

Beneath the steel blade my veins wept today

Too broke to love you or myself anyway

Bad dreams spin beneath my feet quick sand

Through bleeding eyes I can't take your hand

Lonely Flight

The moon cries out to the injustice

The tides retract and the stars dim

Clarity fades to the wayside mist

Like a church morning prayer without a hymn

  

The space between is murky

Ink runs on a page once so clear and

Iridescent but shines no longer in the same way

Oh I wonder do I feel this alone

Questions plague my day to day existence

As I come to terms with the situation that life

And circumstance has bred for us, cruel yet real

I feel alone in my flight through the clouds

September 30th, 2007

09:04

A poem in progress....

... that I never finished.  I published it to MySpace on September 28th, 2007 but I wrote it about a month prior.

I've never been so swept away

I crossed the oceans so black

That had formed in my soul

To feel the warmth and the heat

You radiated so pure on me

Without reservation without fear

With you I soared

So happy so proud to be alive

To be yours to show you off

To give myself to you completely

To love you without fear

But now it's changed it hurts

Sometimes that's how the chips fall

It's hard some days more than others

To express myself without the sadness

That wells up in my eyes

But it's getting easier as the days past

The storms have washed from my eyes

The feelings you still have are clear

And that I can hold so dear

Even though it's changed I can still see

The smile in your eyes

I Like The Way

The way your eyes catch the sunlight

Dark reflective pools so deep and so clear

I got this thing going on inside myself

It goes off in my soul whenever you are near

I like the way you smile so easy

The way you cross the miles in my head

How half way you want to meet me

How hot you are when you take me to bed

The way you hang to my every word

Our understanding runs deep and pure

Playing beneath the covers you tickle me

When you say you're happy you sound so sure

I like the way you feel beneath me

The way joy spreads across your face

Your eyes say everything it all so loudly

Let's take our time exploration isn't a race

Your heart pounds inside my chest

I can feel it thunder boom

Our laughter resonates where you end and I begin

I like the way you fill my room

Written and published on September 28th, 2007 at 18:40.  As you can see I was still having trouble getting over Noah.  I had already met Nate at this point.

Withered

Written and published on September 25th, 2007 at 18:03.

Revved up lattes and chocolate

Sweetness on my lips

Taste buds excited beyond words

But not beyond compare

Of the taste that leaves me gasping

Breathless and poisoned by the touch

Of an angel whose skin is so sweet

So elusive this perfect day this heaven

Inside you is something wrapping me

Like taunting gossamer ivy leaves 

Falling all around me from purple skies

Possibilities endless leap around like sparks

Stealing the lightning from the storms

Leaving only the thunderous echoes

Of shadowy figures standing on the sides

Stealthy voyeurs refusing to be seen

Holding me up and tearing me down

Running fingers along my insides pervasive

Reading me inside and out everything

Laid bare draining the magic you took

Seemingly impossible to retrieve

The hole you once filled once dwelled within

Refusing to be filled with the waves of empty

Nights staring at the ceiling paralyzing me

The ivy leaves fall to the ground one by one

Darkening like souls gone black and withered

My gaze dances along nocturnal diamonds

I dreamt the world was mine and yours was ours

Stray Stars

Written and Published on September 25th, 2007 at 17:30.

Inside of me the rage boils

Threatens to overcome me, mesmerize me

I can hold out indefinitely fighting

But control teeters just out of my grasp

Paralyzing fear, will I fail will I

Fall on my face?

Sometimes it feels useless sometimes

I just want to run if I go far

Away will anyone know can I be

Someone else some faceless entity

Void of this faceless emptiness

Stalking my sheets at night

Fascination with no love

Under the stars I stray

Life Is Like

Clash of the titans playing in my head

Dramatic unfurling of all my little details before me

Open for examination by all who surround me

I cross the fields naked and exposed

My demons laid bare for those who wish to see

Or criticize and cast judgment on my shadows

Choices made not all by choice

I walk the path life throws me with unruly

Zest perhaps mistaken and misplaced

For sorrow which I do feel yet it's tempered

With a feeling of acceptance for what is and

What has to be

Cascading whirlwinds of experience

Simplified by erratic complications

Dramatic personifications of the masks I wear

Transparent and murky all at once

This poem was written and published to MySpace on September 17th, 2007.

The In-Between Places

Published: September 17th, 2007

The in-between rules fiercely shocking

Raw and unbending in its clarity

Does not yield to my struggles

A duel, a fight to the finish

Harsh realities have awakened me

Wild eyed in dramatic fashion

I turn around and see myself standing

Inwardly alone though surrounded by many

I struggle to find my place in the

Fish tank in which I have submerged myself

Free yet bound to the ties

The fires rage inside me

Published on September 15th, 2007, but written just after Noah and I broke up, "Alone" deals with laying alone in the dark, trying to sleep but to sad to do so.

Alone in the dark I lay here

Silence descends upon the room

A thin blanket which does not

Shelter my skin from the cold winds

Different paths spread before me

Each beckoning while the past haunts

Like a ghost moving in the shadows

Staring through me gives me chills

Comfort does not dwell within me

Though I can see its welcome hearth

Stranded at this vantage point I

Cannot yet reach it with my

Gossamer fingertips

Bridge

"Bridge" was written and published on September 15, 2007.  I wrote it about a specific memory Noah and I shared.  On one of my many summer 2007 trips to Minneapolis we went to the park area around the Stone Arch Bridge after dark.  It was very romantic - the bridge, the lights, the water.

Under the moonlight

Below where the arches beam

A weaveworld of walkways

A night of laughter and smiles

Neither here nor there

The magic of the memory dances

Elusively for me

Noncorporeal

Untitled

"Untitled" was written and published to MySpace on September 15th, 2007.  Again, busy time!

Lightning dances cross the skies

Illuminating darkly the storms in

My eyes where the magic dwells

Energies swirl around me ethereal

A sea of souls in concrete jungles

Surrounded by steel and glass

Painted on smiles and broken dreams

On this journey among them

Reaching out to hold your hand

Heavenly echoes of your aura remains

A beautiful mirage of what once was

Wrapped in my arms while I slept

Perhaps misguided perhaps not so much

I hang my hat on hope as my heart

Commands with a sense of certainty

Of what could be fated is meant to be

Show Me

Apparently September 14th, 2007 was a very emotional day!  This one I published very early in the morning, at 08:20.  "Show Me" deals with how completely overwhelmed I felt.

Maybe this thing exists in

Another time and place

Echoes of the chemistry that

Remains between us

Lingers in my being

Dwells within my heart

Pounding furiously it demands

To be felt like a tidal wave

Threatening to overtake me unless I

Express the emotions within me

Despite my promise despite my

Acceptance of this new thing

Between us

Which feels natural yet I believe

You still feel what I feel on

Some unacknowledged level

You have since taken me with

Uncertainty in your voice

I have heard it tremble

If what was once before remains for

You at all I truly wish

You would let it out for me to see

Joy

Also written and published on MS on September 14th, 2007 (this one at 16:20), "Joy" I imagine I wrote about Noah as well.  Much of what I wrote at this time had to do with Noah.  Writing about him and the feelings I had for him was the only way I knew to get over him.  "Joy" seems a bit imaginative, so it was probably more of a 'wish' poem.

Joy shoots through me

Abundant and lively

A touch so gossamer and gentle

Illicitly tender and right

As real as the flames that flicker

From the burning candles in the surrounding darkness

Sandalwood intoxicates the air

Where the murmurs pass 'tween

And hearts beat like drums in

Synchronistic harmony

Moving together as one cohesive

Entity born of two willing spirits

Converging in hurried fervor

A fated dance that cannot

Be undone

If Luck Be A Lady

"If Luck Be A Lady" was written on September 14, 2007 and published on MS at 16:03.  This is another poem I wrote in response to all I was feeling over being new in Minneapolis, dealing Noah's rejection, and not knowing how to get rid of those feelings

Time fades away into the mist

A haunting melody beckons

Familiar yet changed

Unswaying in the brutal cyclone

A cacophony of words linger

Melancholy in their aftertaste

Pieces of me scattered about

The four corners of the world

Unfettered yet lost

Longing for the simple touch

So close but so far

An iridescent star I can no longer touch

Emotions hammer me like waves

Crashing furiously into seaside rocks

If luck be a lady then she taunts me with

Wanton abandon throwing me

One obstacle after another

Exhausting me completely

Unfinished "cheesecake" poetry

The following unfinished poems were written the week preceding September 10th, 2007.  I had made my move from Sioux Falls, SD to Minneapolis, MN on September 7th, 2007.  Noah and I had broken up on September 5th, two days before the move.


Much of what are you going to read is rather mismatched ... I wouldn't even call it poetry ... some of it could probably be song lyrics ... I've stated on many occasions I'm not a poet, I write prose.  But on the occasions I do write poetry I always have random, generic music in the background in my head as if I were a songwriter.


................................



Emptiness deafens me
Weighing heavily on my heart
A thick blanket of frost
Chasing away the warmth

Sadness looms hungrily
A dark, masked pursuer
Bone chilling fingers
Gripping me tightly

..........................................


I felt safe and loved, entagled
In all the things I feel for you
Electric eyes flashing devlish grins
Hands that touched me wantingly
Arms around me tightly
We basked in the warm sunshine
Carefree and beautiful in a world
Of our own design

You told me you weren't in love
And our world was ripped out from me
So many words exchanged, confusing
Stingingly clear yet murky like a muddy pond
You want my friendship and it is yours
You made it clear how much you care
But my heart belongs to you still
And I don't want to take it back

...............................................

A kiss on my lips a smile on my face
Your tongue parts my lips gently
At first, then explores me hungrily
Light twinkles coyly in your inky eyes
As you gaze into mine with desire
Your fingers dance playfully on my skin
Tracing the shape of my body
Feelings of joy cascade over my being
Like the summer rain we lay naked in

..............................................................


The darkness comes each night,
Elusive as it senses my need
It brings not what I seek
But seeks to make me bleed

I swallow my bitter pills,
All I can do is wait it through
Morning will come and the day
Like always, will begin anew

But here in the dark no one sees me
No one senses or shares my pain
And I can clutch my pillow and cry
And revel in my losses, no gain

Evolution

a subtle touch lingers
rocks me gently
ghost breaths remain of
the electric thing
that has bred between us

simple yet not
energies swirl, mingling
passion abounds as feelings
erupted from the spark of romance
contributing to my evolution

i give back, unabated
how happy i am to be with you
my inner being, letting you in
sometimes afraid but never of you
sharing ourselves as we grow

August 19, 2007 (20:28)


I don't quite recall why I titled this poem "Evolution."  Noah and I were still together at this point, I was extremely happy in life; I had him, I was moving from Sioux Falls to Minneapolis for the first time, so life was great.  Perhaps I was speaking from the evolution of my emotions.

Perpetual Catharsis (Original MS publication 08.05.07)

thoughts so profound my words can't      

confess the elemental intricacies

of bitter pills swallowed, stormy disasters,

and catastrophes that dwell here

innocences lost to demons and episodes

indecent and undoing of my essence

haunting impressions of those i knew

briefly whose echoes dance in my aura

like fireflies in the distance

self-inhibitions learned carried me           

through, binding and unwavering

unlearned with time and experience

like a wildfire burning through me

exploding onto a blank canvas

and beginning again

i lead my life with my heart

wild and unruly in my rhapsody

the soul of a poet cascading

beyond the barriers before me

catharsis continues... 

I wrote this poem on July 1st, 2007.  I originally posted it on MySpace on August 5th, 2007.  This was the first poem I shared with Noah.  We had been discussing some rather intense things that had gone on in our lives and after a five hour phone conversation I immediately wrote this.  The whole thing took about five or so minutes to write and I have never edited it.

Alright, bitches, I never claimed to be a poet!

Much of the transitions from my MySpace blogs to this blog will consist of poetry.  Now I will be the first to admit I AM NOT A POET!  Most of this shit was written was written in the throes of one emotional crisis or another, but ... it represents an emotion I was feeling at the time I wrote it.  So fucking deal with it already. 

When I re-post an entry from MySpace I will include the original date/time of the MySpace blog (thank moses that MySpace timestamps everything!).  If I repost poetry I will try to post a recall of what I was feeling and why I wrote it ... I know you are just dying to read the next entry!

Really?

Up until now I decided that my blogger.com account would be used strictly for my non-personal blogging purposes.  Bathed in the Bathroom Light has been fun because it allows me to to vent my frustrations and opinions about what goes on in politics, the entertainment industry, and the world around us.  My personal blogging has been restricted to my MySpace account until now.

Let's face it, unless a spectacular resurgence occurs, MySpace is on its way out for social networking.  Just a visit to MySpace today and the majority of what you see are celebrities using it.  Up and coming bands will use it to get their music out there.  As far as personal contacts (I have eighty-eight), most of them are people I've never met.  I don't even think my "Top 8" has posted anything at all to MySpace in months.  Everyone uses Facebook.  As a result, all of my personal blogging on MySpace not only goes relatively unnoticed, if MySpace falls by the wayside all those blogs will be lost.

To that end I am going to import all of those entries - well, not all of them, most of them - to this blog so they're not lost.